I have learned some important lessons in parenting that may horrify those of you without spawn.
I have learned that taking a pee break, reading a book, cooking dinner, sleeping during night hours and generally not watching every move your child makes is dangerous.
I was not foretold about the bathroom intrusion. Or about the cooking, sleeping…
I have chosen to take it upon myself to warn the potential masses. Here it goes...
A 3.5 year old can cut an orange into quarters with a small meat cleaver. The finger that got in the way only required a handful of stitches. All in the span of a pee break.
Child-proof lids on Excederin are not in fact, child-proof. A child can also take a large amount and still survive according to the Poison Control Centre (and personal experience).
When your baby is cooing in the crib be prepared to walk into fecal smears rubbed in every possible location. That book that was soothing your tired soul? Not worth the odour and cleanup.
If you blink your child will run. Do not blink.
Goat cheese and asparagus stuffed chicken breast could result in permanent marker swirlies on your freshly painted bedroom walls. And bedspread. And night stand.
Sleeping in until 8:30am on a Saturday morning could leave you with a bald child and a trimmed child. Scissors are on a ban now. And I sleep with both eyes open.
Bruises happen. When you think it's safe to switch over the laundry, the children WILL decide they have grown wings and leap off bunk beds onto sharp toys. Screaming is a good indicator that arnica is needed.
And one final one for today…
If you attempt to brush your teeth before your children leave for school cereal could be dumped (along with the milk) all over your carpet. Brush teeth after the school run. If you don't smile you actually fit in with the other parents more.